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Toilet Paper Bits


A toilet paper roll

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Toilet Paper Bits

By Joanie Buettgen

Contrary to public opinion, many people don’t know how to load their toilet paper roll.

My question today is, Do you un-roll from the bottom or from the top?

Obviously, it’s from the bottom.

I have made the following observations on these ever popular white paper products.

Weekly, we place our rolls on the plastic dowel. Now if you’re an on-top person, you have the paper facing you, on the top of the roll. The problem is you have to hold the roll with your left hand, then with your right hand “try” to tear off just a couple of sheets. The operative word is try. Usually, when I’ve tried this technique, I wind up tearing twenty squares off in one fell swoop.

Now, in my hand, I have a large paper ball the size of a watermelon. Then I toss this large orb into the toilet bowl. And I notice that it has completely filled the porcelain princess. Oops.

I really don’t want to grab it. So I flush it.

Then I notice that the water level is rising-fast. And the sewer backs up. I know from experience that this large blob has lodged itself in the sewer pipe and has caused a large dam to back up.

As the water level hits the rim, I quickly grab the black rubber plunger. I try, in vain, to create suction over the hole. I almost break the plunger in this process. Then, I notice that I really don’t have this method down pat. I wait, and wait, and wait. Then suddenly the brew starts its ascend to the top of the bowl. And I have a messy lake at my feet.

This is not at all pleasant at 3 a.m., when I’m hollering at Mark, my husband, to come and help.

It’s a sad day when I’m fearful and fretful after trying to use this top-loaded method. I’m always disappointed.

Here is my argument for the under the roll application. This method teaches the owner of the roll many things. First, you’ll use less paper. And with one quick tear, and with the paper taunt, you’ll get the 4 squares of tissue that you need to get the job done.

Second, there’s no bubbling, churning, or splashing to contend with.

And at last, you’ll have dry feet.

I rest my case.

Joanie Buettgen is “Just another columnist trying out this new stuff.”

Published: AfterFiftyLiving.com, Café’ of Dreams, More.com, Minnesota Moments Magazine, Thankful-Home.tv, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, National Barn Alliance, and Ridgeview Medical Center newsletter.

Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

Social Networking: Blog:https://joanie19.wordpress.com, http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen