By Joanie Buettgen
I hate being sick. It must be true love when a couple shares their cold germs. How many times have we asked our spouses, “When did I kiss you last?” Of course, there are many married couples that are very considerate to each other; especially when we’re in the line of fire from a sneeze blast.
After that cold explosion, we secretly hope that we were not at the “catchy” stage. But, receiving your loved ones germs is disgusting. From the first “Ah…choo,” followed by the visual pictures of tall, stacks of wet tissues-the evidence is literally starring you in the face. We try to convince ourselves, “I’m not going to get his cold.” We often try to delay the inevitable, “Maybe, if I consume one more Vitamin C tablet, I’ll be immune.” Then, we desperately attempt a last ditch effort. We actually think, we can tell our bodies, “I’m not going to be sick, not this time.” Wrong-again.
Days later, my husband’s special gift arrived. My head felt like a block of oak. Slowly, the contents of my head blossomed. The expensive medications were then purchased as the germs claimed their territory on my body. The “over-the counters” tried to divide and conquer the congestion. It didn’t work.
Falling asleep at night usually isn’t a big deal. But, just rotating my head from side to side was a challenge. Heads should never feel “full” of fluff. Mine did.
As the days progressed, the stuffing inside my head felt like a stack of books that were slowly sliding off an upturned table. In addition, both ears simultaneously would make a popping noise similar to popcorn. Pop-pop-pop. Then, a crackling noise was heard; as if a crumbled piece of paper was opening very slowly and the volume was set at an awkward speed.
I’m a mother. Women should never have to experience a male voice change. Now, I know how hard it was for my son. My voice sounded just like Barry White, the R & B singer. People who called me on the phone were shocked, “Is that you?” They asked. “Nope, it’s my new sexy voice!” I slowly answered.
I really should own stock in the Puffs tissue company. The nose has consumed five boxes and that number is on the rise. Placement of these squares is critical to the well-being of the owner of a cold. We literally have six boxes in and around our four bedroom house: a normal rectangular size, the cute-cube looking one, or the deep economy size, that one is always within reach.
I’m told, by my husband Mark, that Mucinex is an expectorant, and the only brand that works on the chest. Every other product that is sold over the counter is for my head. Who knew?
In 2009, it was estimated that there were 62 million cases of the common cold. If you break it down that’s almost two colds occurring every second somewhere in the United States. Now, I know why the cold isle is always busy.
As I look in my compacted medicine cabinet I find: Sudafed, Zicam, Vitamin C, Tylenol PM, Robitussin, and many more remedies; many have expired, and are always pushed in the back, now collecting dust.
As I close the cabinet, a wave of sneezes comes over me, and they are well within range of my son; it’s too bad he’s in my line of fire.
Joanie Buettgen has been published: Minnesota Moments Magazine, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, and the National Barn Alliance. Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop attendee. Social Networking: http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen.