“He thinks he’s human!”

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“HE THINKS HE’S HUMAN”

By Joanie Buettgen

Copyright 2010

Pets are tops in many families. Whether it’s a dog, a cat or some other kind of critter; it really doesn’t matter, except for us. Our dog isn’t normal. If Jake spoke, it might sound like this.

 “What’s all the fuss? Have they left yet? How can I relax with all the shouting? Finally, I can stretch out on my couch. They’re such fanatics: wanting the bed made, the pillows just so, and why can’t I shower? I’m not just a dog you know.”

 When a couple decides to get a pooch-who…chooses who?

 “Back in 2004, I needed a home. Two new hot prospects pulled into the driveway. The big, bearded guy has fur just like me. I’ll name him Dad. The smaller, sweet-talking one is Mom. My tail was wagging fast. Finally…they took me home. I love my new family.”

 The American dream includes a home, a family and a pet. The trials and tribulations of dog hood can be interesting.

 “Dad is strict, and wants to keep the bed made. Mom doesn’t like my hair. My family doesn’t understand that I want to be like them. Just the other day my parents got wet. I thought I’d try it. Squeezing into the shower was not a problem then, I grabbed the knob with my collar and pulled. I love to get wet.”

Family memories are usually stored in albums, ours aren’t. We’ll never forget the day-Jake decided to counter jump.

 “I grabbed the cheese left on the counter then, the scolding started. I hung my head, and went to bed. I can always tell when Mom is upset-her finger points at me like a stick. Then that vein pops out, and she gets all red. I’m in trouble now. Dad just looks disgusted then shakes his head, ‘You know what you did’. “I’m a bad dog.”

 I often think our neighbors enjoy Jake’s company, more than ours.

 “Sometimes when they talk, I’m confused. ‘Jake, do you want to go outside?’ “I cock my head and think to myself…I just ate a bowl of dog food and inhaled a gallon of water. What do you think? Humans are really dumb.”

 It was a Friday night-we just wanted to relax, Jake had other plans.

 “Today, my instincts and keen sense of smell are always in check. I tried hard to resist that last slice of pizza, and that fudge brownie-just waiting to be gobbled up. They shouldn’t leave them on the counter, they know I love food.”

Have you ever noticed when you talk to your dog; they cock their head as if to say, “Boy, you two are really nuts.”

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8 responses »

  1. Hi, Joanie. Thanks for sharing your story. We are currently, sadly dogless, but our vacuum cleaner, besides us, fondly remembers Sherman. You have inspired me to possibly post my non-winning story as well. I really loved your line about the finger pointing at him like a stick–that is really a superb simile. Great story! I hope you will continue posting; I look forward to reading more.

    Best regards, have a great day, and arf,
    Leigh
    : )

  2. Hey, I read it and didn’t even have to use a dictionary. I don’t think I ever had to use a dictionary for any of Erma’s works either. My kind of piece! I once had an Irish setter who was gay. Very confused dog and very confusing to the other dogs in the neighborhood. Jody W.

  3. Funny and so true. I’m not running the house and I used to think my wife ran the house. Nope. Its our German Shorthaired Pointers who run the show. Oh well. At least I have roof over my head, food, and my internet connection.

  4. I had a dog that would jump to the top of the table then couldn’t figure out how to get down. I’m sure he thought we were pretty dumb fussing at him, but a shower. NOOOOOOOO. That was not on his agenda – ever. Cute story.

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