Oscar’s big butts contest

Lopez and Diaz photo.jpg

Oscar’s  Big Butts Contest

By Joanie Buettgen

Now that the Academy Awards are finally finished, I couldn’t resist the temptation to give my opinion of the couture dresses.

This morning, I noticed on MSNs entertainment website, a photo of Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz. They were presenters at the Awards last night.

Now, both of these ladies are always in the news, always in movies, and always in photos. As you can see in this picture on the website, their butts seem large. I don’t know if it was the angle of the lens, but you can judge for yourself.

I noticed that Diaz looked beautiful with her platinum blond hair, cut short. When this photo was shot, she had her back to the camera. She turned and placed her hands on her hips. And she sported a “pouty” smile with her lips.

Lopez in contrast, had her long brunette hair, up in a stunning hair do. Her hands were left at her sides. She turned to the camera and had a pleasant smile.

Now, if you ask women, “Does this dress make my butt look big?”

Women will lie to your face and tell you, “No…The dress is gorgeous. I love your hair!”

Men, on the other hand will wait and admit, “Yes, it does! But…I like big butts.”

Angelina Jolie’s black velvet dress was slit up to her hip. When she walked on the stage, she planted herself, stuck out her right leg and waited for everyone to notice. We did.

I’m always amazed by all of the hubba-bubba leading up to the awards program. And I’m equally amazed that I stayed up until 10:30 p.m.

Of course they saved the best for last. I knew it would drag on.

Billy Crystal was great as Master of Ceremonies. This was his ninth appearance.

The actress that I really wanted to win was Rooney Mara for her brilliant performance in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Mara is a very skinny girl. She wore a simple white dress. Her butt was non-existent.

Joanie Buettgen is “Just another columnist trying out this new stuff.”

Published: AfterFiftyLiving.com, Café’ of Dreams, More.com, Minnesota Moments Magazine, Thankful-Home.tv, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, National Barn Alliance, and Ridgeview Medical Center newsletter.

Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

Social Networking: Blog:http://joanie19.wordpress.com, http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen.

Related articles

• Prom And Pageant Gown Designer Sherri Hill (covegirl.wordpress.com)

Toilet Paper Bits

Image via Wikipedia

Toilet Paper Bits

By Joanie Buettgen

Contrary to public opinion, many people don’t know how to load their toilet paper roll.

My question today is, Do you un-roll from the bottom or from the top?

Obviously, it’s from the bottom.

I have made the following observations on these ever popular white paper products.

Weekly, we place our rolls on the plastic dowel. Now if you’re an on-top person, you have the paper facing you, on the top of the roll. The problem is you have to hold the roll with your left hand, then with your right hand “try” to tear off just a couple of sheets. The operative word is try. Usually, when I’ve tried this technique, I wind up tearing twenty squares off in one fell swoop.

Now, in my hand, I have a large paper ball the size of a watermelon. Then I toss this large orb into the toilet bowl. And I notice that it has completely filled the porcelain princess. Oops.

I really don’t want to grab it. So I flush it.

Then I notice that the water level is rising-fast. And the sewer backs up. I know from experience that this large blob has lodged itself in the sewer pipe and has caused a large dam to back up.

As the water level hits the rim, I quickly grab the black rubber plunger. I try, in vain, to create suction over the hole. I almost break the plunger in this process. Then, I notice that I really don’t have this method down pat. I wait, and wait, and wait. Then suddenly the brew starts its ascend to the top of the bowl. And I have a messy lake at my feet.

This is not at all pleasant at 3 a.m., when I’m hollering at Mark, my husband, to come and help.

It’s a sad day when I’m fearful and fretful after trying to use this top-loaded method. I’m always disappointed.

Here is my argument for the under the roll application. This method teaches the owner of the roll many things. First, you’ll use less paper. And with one quick tear, and with the paper taunt, you’ll get the 4 squares of tissue that you need to get the job done.

Second, there’s no bubbling, churning, or splashing to contend with.

And at last, you’ll have dry feet.

I rest my case.

Joanie Buettgen is “Just another columnist trying out this new stuff.”

Published: AfterFiftyLiving.com, Café’ of Dreams, More.com, Minnesota Moments Magazine, Thankful-Home.tv, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, National Barn Alliance, and Ridgeview Medical Center newsletter.

Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

Social Networking: Blog:http://joanie19.wordpress.com, http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen

Attack of the Blue Fuzzies

Image via Wikipedia

Attack of the Blue Fuzzies

By Joanie Buettgen

Today, I noticed a large number of little, baby blue colored “pill balls” on all of my floors. The large quantities of these things, come from my king size bedroom blanket.

My husband Mark and I live in a two-story craftsmen style home. I believe it was built in 1915. It has the typical high/low carpet which was popular back then. This terrain is important because it holds these fibers. And they hide in these crevices like mice.

This daily battle has been going on for over 30 years.

As I start my day with a cup of coffee. I tell myself, “Not today…I won’t succumb to the constant picking, gathering and tossing of these little fabric buggers.

I try, like most women, to keep the house clean and tidy. But these creatures have minds of their own.

I also have dog and large quantities of dog hair. Jake, the dog, has hair that is stick straight and blond. On a red carpet the fur sticks out like a sore thumb. These tresses sabotage my cleaning efforts daily.

My little blue fuzzies are comical creatures. They like to attach themselves to every surface in every room. I’ve even noticed them dangling from Jake’s nose, and hiding on my mouse pad.

There is no solution to my dilemma. The blanket manufactures no longer sell these types of coverings. They used to be made with long lasting, 2-sided satin binding. It’s been 15 years since I bought that last one.

These fuzzies should not be confused with the daily dirt that collects in and around our home. That’s other issue that won’t be discussed here.

In my quest for a clean house I regularly go from room to room. I’m not at all into vacuuming, so I try to spot clean each room by picking up these small pieces of debris. Somehow it makes me feel better.

A shrink could probably put a long syndrome name to my obsessive behavior with fuzz. But, I think there are many women who behave like me and never say a word.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’ve turned into a fuzz hoarder. I put them my pockets when I’m busy, and try to dispose of them later. The problem is now I have stashes in every piece of clothing I own.

It’s embarrassing to say the least, when I’m out in public, and pull out a piece of Kleenex. Then, I notice that they have popped out of my pocket. And stare up at me. I try to kick them aside, but they reluctantly stick to my shoes.  

I think I know the reason for my new obsession of the fuzz. I work a night shift. My job is a commercial cleaner. My responsibilities are to make sure the rooms are spotless. No white pieces of paper, no pink dots, and no gold glitter should be found.

I think my obsessive cleaning also comes from my upbringing. My dear mother constantly picked up bits of debris from her six children. She just couldn’t seem to find the time to vacuum daily with all of us running around.

I remember as a child telling myself, “I’m never, ever, going to pick up lint when I’m older!”

I have become my mother.

Joanie Buettgen is “Just another columnist trying out this new stuff.”Published: AfterFiftyLiving.com, Café’ of Dreams, More.com, Minnesota Moments Magazine, Thankful-Home.tv, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, National Barn Alliance, and Ridgeview Medical Center newsletter. Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Social Networking: Blog:http://joanie19.wordpress.com, http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen.

Where’s my Valentine’s Day card?

Image via Wikipedia

Where’s my Valentine’s Day card?

By Joanie Buettgen

Many American know that millions of Valentine Day cards are exchanged every year. But did you know that some of us decide not to buy our love?

My husband Mark and I decided years ago not to purchase these expensive gimmicks. We believe love shouldn’t be measured by how much money we spend on each other. And there should be no strings attached to our emotions.

Like many couples, we try to spend our currency wisely. Last Sunday we decided to enjoy a nice romantic dinner away from the stove.

And another excuse for a romantic outing was we had a gift card that was burning a hole our pockets. We headed out to enjoy an afternoon at a vacation and RV show. Afterwards we looked forward to a fantastic seafood dinner.

While at the restaurant, I noticed a clear water tank filled with fresh lobsters. My mouth watered. I felt like I had just devoured a succulent piece of fruit. My taste buds went in hyper-drive.

It was only mid-afternoon but, we wanted larger portions. So we ordered off the spendy dinner menu. We longed for an abundance of fresh fish to keep us happy and content.

After some warm cheesy biscuits and freshly brewed coffee our order arrived.

I scanned my oval platter. My meal consisted of: small butterfly shrimp, limp, yellow broccoli, and thin mushy lobster tail.

Mark always orders the walleye dinner. He took the first bite and commented, “My fish tastes fishy.”

Mark has sensitive taste buds. Mine are not. But I can distinguish between great and bad.

We’ve always enjoyed a wonderful experience at these well know restaurants. This time we sat in silence. We knew we’d made a mistake by coming here.

This awkward moment was broken by Mark’s comment, “Did you buy me a Valentine’s Day card?”

I smiled and nodded my head. “I couldn’t resist. I thought about not buying you one but, couldn’t resist the temptation.”

Mark only shook his head, “Well I didn’t buy you one. Are you going to be Ok with that?”

I smiled and took his hand in mine, “I’ll be fine.”

I thought to myself, “I don’t need a mushy card from my husband of 33 years…I’ll be Ok.”

Later that night, Mark spent the entire night in the bathroom.

I felt full of food all night. It was unpleasant to say the least.

It’s a good thing we didn’t spend $50 of our own money on this disastrous meal. Otherwise I’d be telling you a completely different story.

Joanie Buettgen

“Just another columnist trying out this new stuff.”

Published: Café’ of Dreams, More.com, Minnesota Moments Magazine, Thankful-Home.tv, Carver County Historical Society, Kansas City BBQ Society, Carver County News, National Barn Alliance, and Ridgeview Medical Center newsletter.

Memberships: National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Toastmaster’s, Minnesota Newspaper Association, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

Social Networking: Blog:http://joanie19.wordpress.com, http://twitter.com/joaniebuettgen, www.linkedin/com/in/joaniebuettgen.